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The Joy of Saying No

Saying "no" is a skill we all need, both professionally and personally.

Published onApr 15, 2024
The Joy of Saying No
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Catherine Forrest, Editor and Author of Shelf Life

Let’s start with a show of hands: Who here hates saying no? Okay, everyone? Pretty much everyone, right? That’s not surprising to me.

If you’re reading this, there’s an excellent chance you’re an editor. If you’re an editor, or in an editorial-adjacent role, there’s a better-than-even chance you’re a woman or otherwise femme-presenting person. That’s not sexist speculation on my part; it’s just that there are more women editors than men editors—56.4% to 43.6%, respectively.1 Acknowledging that not all editors work in the publishing industry—we work all kinds of places—the gender gap in the publishing workplace is even wider: 74% of the publishing industry workforce are cisgender women.2

Now hear me out: If we were to hazard a guess about which gender assignment at birth leads to a person being socialized, right out of the cradle, to be accommodating and to avoid saying no to things—which gender would you guess? I’ll just come out and say it: A growing body of evidence tells us that women are socialized not to say no.3

That’s not the only thing working against you, though. Another demographic of individuals in our society who are socialized against saying no are employees. It’s us, the worker bees. Have you ever gotten any of the following professional advice?

  • Don’t turn down that responsibility, it’s an opportunity for you.

  • You have to at least show your face at happy hour, it’s an unwritten rule.

  • If the boss is looking for a volunteer, you should put your hand up. It shows you’re a team player.

Personally, I’ve had all that advice (and plenty more) in the course of my career: Say yes. Be the team player. Take on the extra responsibility with enthusiasm to show what you’re capable of. Don’t upset the social contract. The social contract, in case no one told you, is that you say yes to things.

At some point early on in my career, I realized that following the sage advice of my mentors—to say yes, and with enthusiasm—was leading me down the garden path to a nasty case of burnout. I was saying yes to everything. It reached a point—and I remember this distinctly even though it was going on 20 years ago—where I felt extremely put out that I was asked to help decorate the department for an upcoming holiday. Of course I said yes—I wasn’t about to say “no, I can’t, I have too many extra work projects I already said yes to”—but I resented having said yes and was aggravated the whole time I was hanging holly garlands around cubeland.

Around that time, I began a transformation, and it was successful. I transformed myself into someone who says no, into someone who isn’t afraid to say no to things and in fact takes joy in saying no to things—and I’m so good at it that my colleagues sometimes approach me to say no to things on their behalf.

Which is an honor.

What’s even wilder is I like it when people say no to me. As a manager, I might superficially want the answer to a request to be yes, because I want whatever it is to be done and crossed off my list of things I’m worried about, but realistically if someone can’t do something, I want them to tell me no. I don’t want someone to say yes and then not deliver, or worse—say yes and then burn themself out trying to accommodate my request.

So I’d like to share some of the things I did—and still do—to go from a person who disliked saying no (and maybe had a little fear of saying no) into someone who can say no with confidence and—usually!—without alienating anyone in the process.

1. Know the WHY Behind Your No

You don’t have to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE) your no. No is a complete sentence. That said, it is wise to understand the reason you are saying no to something and be able to articulate that to the party to whom you are saying no. In my experience, people are much more likely to accept a no without argument when they understand the reason behind the no. You don’t necessarily owe someone your reason (in the workplace, you may) but you will be saying no from a solid footing if you understand why you are saying no.

And there should be a reason to say no, at least in the workplace. Completely valid reasons might look like:

  • I don’t have the bandwidth right to fit this in among my other assignments.

  • Fulfilling this request requires expertise I don’t have.

  • I would have to break a rule to accommodate this request (e.g., making an edit that contravenes style).

  • This request is outside of my remit/responsibility area/job description.

If your gut response to a request is “No, I don’t want to do this”—ask your gut for a little more information. “I don’t want to” isn’t a great reason to offer up in the workplace, but if you prod your gut for a little more detail, it may provide you with a real reason that you can use.

  • “This task sounds boring or tedious.” That could indicate that the task is below your skill level and may be better suited for a more junior team member.

  • “This task sounds really hard and intimidating.” Conversely, this may indicate that you’re being asked to do something beyond your skill level that may be better suited for a more senior team member.

  • “Isn’t that part of so-and-so’s job?” If you’re being asked to cover a responsibility for someone else, it’s fair to ask whether this is a temporary accommodation or whether your job responsibilities are being officially expanded—and to consider the request accordingly.

  • “I’m not going to have time to do that.” Sounds like your plate is already full and you don’t have room in your schedule to take on another tasks.

2. Delay, Walk Away, and Answer Another Day

I’ve got a tactic for saying no that works great when you’re just getting started with saying no, or when you’re saying no to a person who doesn’t take no for an answer without a fight. When I need to say no to a request, but I’m in a tricky situation such as:

  • The person I need to say no to is a VIP or has more authority than me.

  • The person I need to say no to is notoriously pushy.

  • I don’t want to say no to this person for whatever reason, but I have to.

I pull this one out of my bag of tricks:

“I need to investigate what we’re able to do about this, and after I have done so I will get back to you with an answer.”

This sentence is working hard. It assures the requester that you’re taking their request seriously; it affirms for them that you’re not basing your decision on what you want to do but on what’s possible; and it buys you breathing room.

I have found that sometimes I know right away the answer will be no. If I say no in that moment, the no is not accepted. It starts an argument. But if I use the above script and come back a day or two later and say, “I investigated this and unfortunately what you requested is not possible,” that no is much more likely to be accepted.

  • “I need you to take on an extra project.” Let me review my current priorities and see if I’m able to take this on. I will get back to you.

  • “I have 50 new edits to the publication that went to press yesterday.” Let me call the printer and find out what’s possible, then I’ll call you back.

  • “The board met would like you to be our organization’s new President-Elect.” I’m so flattered! Let me review my personal commitments over the next several months and see if I’m able to accept this honor.

Get yourself some space to think about whether you can accommodate the request or if you need to decline, and to make sure you have your reason in mind before you decline. Few requests are so urgent they require an on-the-spot decision. Take time to make a solid decision when you can.

3. The Good Old Yes, And

My third tip for saying no is to say yes. Wait! I can explain.

Often someone’s request will contain multiple parts. Responding to a multipart request doesn’t have to be a yes-or-no situation—it can be a yes-and-no situation. This can work well in a lot of contexts because when someone gets a yes, they feel good about that—even if that yes is tempered with a no. Conversely, when someone gets an immediate no to a request, they may go into argumentative or defensive mode—even if that no is then tempered with a yes.

In short, when it’s a multipart answer, lead with the yes and follow with the no.

What does this look like in practice?

  • “Can you complete this project for so-and-so by 5 o’clock?” Yes, I can complete so-and-so’s project and get it over the finish line for you. However, I am not able to do this by 5 o’clock. Realistically, I can complete it by Tuesday morning.

  • “Make these 50 edits to my publication that’s on press as we speak.” I’m happy to let you know we were able to make the edits to the electronic version of your publication; however, we were not able to recall the project from printer, so the print edition will not reflect these changes.

  • “I need you to take on an extra project.” Yes, I can take on this new project. However, to accommodate a new project I will have to relinquish one of my current ones or place it on hold. Which of my current projects should be reassigned or held?

It can help your case a great deal to assure someone that yes, their request is reasonable. Yes, you understand why they’re asking for this. Yes, you would love to help. But, because of your valid reason as determined in the first section, your answer still must be—no.

A final word: Sometimes people will push back against your no, argue with it, refuse to take no for an answer, or apply a guilt trip to make you feel really mean about saying no. In those cases, remind yourself that to be a person who says no when needed doesn’t say anything negative about you. But to be a person who won’t take no for an answer speaks volumes about them.

 

References

  1. Data USA (n.d.) Editors: Detailed Occupation. Accessed March 27, 2024. https://datausa.io/profile/soc/editors

  2. Statista (n.d.) Distribution of employees in the publishing industry in the United States in 2019, by gender. Accessed March 27, 2024. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1218777/publishing-industry-workforce-by-gender-us/

  3. Dastagir, A.E. (2021, April 20). The one word women need to be saying more often. USA Today. https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/04/20/why-its-so-hard-for-women-to-say-no/7302181002/

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